


what's this place if you're not here?

by wuphf



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, idk what else uhh, minor ryan/kelly, no happy ending soz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:48:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23272714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wuphf/pseuds/wuphf
Summary: after jim leaves to work in stamford, ryan spends his now boring time at work thinking about how he really feels about jim.
Relationships: Jim Halpert/Ryan Howard
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	what's this place if you're not here?

**Author's Note:**

> title is from 'the body is a blade' by japanese breakfast!!

ryan considered jim his friend. he was the only other normal guy in the office, ryan thought. he was goofy, which ryan always found entertaining, but he could also be really down to earth and sweet when it was necessary. he was the perfect person. ryan would never admit that he thought that, though. he would also never admit that he found jim attractive.  
but none of that mattered anymore, because jim was gone. he had transferred to the stamford branch to avoid the heartbreak of watching pam marry someone else. he hadn’t said that was why he left, but he didn’t have to. everyone knew. even pam knew. it almost hurt ryan’s feelings, until he realized that getting upset over it was absurd. jim wasn’t trying to hurt him. jim hadn’t even thought of him while making the decision. why would he? they were just work friends. but for some reason, it still made ryan sad if he thought about it too long. he wondered if jim ever thought about him at the stamford branch. probably not, he assumed. they hadn’t really been close, if ryan thought about it. he just convinced himself they were because he liked jim so much. no, it must have just been to feel less lonely. that’s what ryan told himself.  
now that jim was gone, work seemed boring. no one else brought the same humor to the office that jim had. dwight started talking to ryan more, and ryan realized he was even weirder than he appeared. the work itself wasn’t going well either. ryan still hadn’t made a sale, and even though he told everyone otherwise, he couldn’t see himself making one anytime soon. it all just seemed useless without jim. ryan knew he was overreacting, after all, he and jim had just been friends. casual work friends who didn’t even really talk much. ryan knew it was delusional to even consider jim and himself friends, but he couldn’t stop.  
finally, dwight’s aggressively monotone voice cut through ryan’s thoughts. “hey, temp!” ryan turned to face his coworker and tried to fake a somewhat interested face.  
“hm?”  
“jesus, temp, what’s up with you today? i said your name like twelve times.” dwight rolled his eyes.  
“i’m tired, i guess. what did you wanna say?” ryan sighed. dwight conveniently forgetting ryan’s name all the time was only the beginning of all the annoying shit he did. ryan knew he was only trying to form a bond so his relationship with michael wouldn’t be hurt, so the fake acts of kindness sort of got on his nerves as well. dwight’s constant acting like he was so much older that ryan was also irritating. hey, temp, want this shirt i grew out of? temp, you’re like the younger brother i never had. it must be so great for you to have an older salesman to look up to, temp. ryan just wanted to be left alone. it was exhausting.  
“i wanted to show you this picture of mose and i feeding bits of beet to fish at the river.” dwight passed ryan his phone. sure enough, there was a picture of dwight and his cousin at the river holding pieces of beet. ryan faked amusement.  
“that’s a really nice picture, dwight.” he handed back the phone.  
“i thought maybe i could take you with me instead of mose next time. you know, just you and me, getting some good one-on-one michael’s favorites bonding time. what do you say?”  
oh, hell no. dwight at work was already too much, ryan couldn’t even begin to imagine dwight in his natural element.  
“uh, i’m actually kind of busy right now, but i’ll let you know when i’m free.” he smiled uncomfortably.  
“okay bud, i look forward to it.” dwight said in a high-pitched fake nice tone and patted ryan’s shoulder before sitting back at his desk. ryan turned back to his work and sighed, resting his chin on his hand and falling back into thought.  
ryan wouldn’t admit that he liked jim. not even as a friend- not out loud, at least. he didn’t want anyone in the office thinking he was up to make friends. once it got out that ryan wanted to be jim’s friend, he’d be invited to go out with coworkers every other night. no. he had to keep up his image of the disinterested temp who has his own friends. but god, did he want jim to love him. wait, not love. ryan knew that jim loved pam and thinking too much about being with jim that way would only hurt him more. he just wanted to be friends. wanted to hang out with jim after work, just the two of them- wanted to know what it would be like to be in his arms. he hated how cheesy he sounded. he hated being in love.  
in a way, ryan figured, he was lucky to be in a relationship with kelly, because most of the time it stopped him from getting his heart broken. if you don’t care, you won’t get hurt- those were the words he lived by. but in another way, kelly couldn’t stop him from dying inside over jim, and her constant banter wasn’t helping him feel any better. sometimes, he felt bad. he knew he shouldn’t lead kelly on the way he did, knew he shouldn’t stay with her when he was in love with someone else. but in his defense, he had tried to break up with her several times, she just wouldn’t take it. either way, it made him sort of guilty to think about jim even when he and kelly were together.  
ryan stared down at his desk. it used to be jim’s desk. hell, it still was to ryan. that was why he liked sitting there. he thought maybe if couldn’t be with jim, he could at least try to be like him. about a week after jim left for stamford, ryan had tried to pull a classic jim prank to cheer everyone up. well, maybe not everyone, but pam, dwight, michael and himself at least. he couldn’t come up with anything, though, so he had googled funny pranks. he ended up doing the incredibly overdone bucket-of-water-over-the-door trick. it wasn’t funny. no one thought it was funny. ryan didn’t think it was funny. he wasn’t naturally funny, or naturally likeable, and he was nothing like jim. sitting at his desk was the closest he would get. ryan thought maybe if he was more like jim, he would have the courage to call things off with kelly for real. neither of them were happy in their relationship, but they were both cowards. lonely cowards. ryan knew he could try harder to get kelly to leave him alone, but in a way it was relieving to him that she wouldn’t let go because it gave him some sort of shield.  
but a shield against what, exactly? maybe heartbreak, but clearly that wasn’t working out. maybe the truth, but it seemed to ryan that the more time he spent with kelly the more he longed to be with jim. it made ryan feel sick- the way he used kelly. he hated it, but he couldn’t make himself stop. he wondered, if he was with jim, would he treat him just as badly as he did kelly? no, of course not. because he was in love with jim. he was okay with hurting kelly because he didn’t love her. he wouldn’t be the same to jim. but maybe he would. maybe it wasn’t kelly, maybe it was ryan. maybe he was just a shitty person who destroyed every relationship he had. maybe he could change, but it was more likely that he couldn’t. at the end of the day, the sun would go down, and ryan would be at kelly’s place tearing her heart to pieces.  
ryan could never compare to pam. she was sweet, and funny, and determined, and hardworking, and she was everything ryan wasn’t. of course jim was in love with her. of course he was. she was beautiful- when she smiled, everyone around her smiled as well. she was that kind of person, her cheer was contagious. her drawings were beautiful, and her talent was inspiring. next to pam, ryan would probably look like the world’s saddest attempt at an artist. even he knew his poetry was fake deep. he couldn’t use fancy words without sounding false. couldn’t write about nature or society without sounding stupid. the only poems he ever wrote that came across as even remotely real were the ones he’d never show anyone else; the ones about how perfect jim was, or how imperfect ryan was. he liked to critique people. that was all he was good at. it was no wonder jim loved pam over ryan.  
“hey ryan,” kelly’s voice interrupted his self pity session, “it’s time to go.”  
ryan spun in his chair to face kelly, who had her coat on and did, in fact, look ready to go. “already?” he mumbled.  
“what, do you wanna stay? you’re so weird, ryan.” she giggled, playfully hitting him. “are you still coming over?” she asked.  
“uh, sure.” ryan stood up and looked back down on his desk for a minute. jim’s desk.  
after collecting all his things, ryan and kelly headed for the door. just as the two passed by the reception desk, the phone went off.  
“i’ll uh… i’ll get that.” ryan leaned over the desk and picked the phone up. “dunder mifflin, this is ryan.”  
the voice on the other end was jim’s. “oh, hey ryan. sorry, i was actually hoping to talk to pam.”  
“oh, she’s…” ryan glanced into michael’s office, where he was talking to pam about something that looked much too important to interrupt. “um, you just missed her.”  
“oh.”  
“yeah. uh, sorry… about pam. and stuff. uh, goodnight.” ryan stumbled through his words like a toddler trying to talk for the first time. and then it was silent. no goodbye, jim just hung up.  
ryan left the office that evening feeling slightly more empty than he had when he came in that morning.


End file.
